I am writing one of my stories, and a few of my older characters started to come to mind while I was trying to come up with a character name. So I thought I'd remember some of them:

( GHOST SARAH series )

( A Fire Within series )

( BloodLovers )

( Other books )

For ages I've been thinking about this, and talking about this, but I really want to get it down on paper. Well. Screen.

So many people in today's world are cynical. They are cynical about films. They are cynical about music. They are cynical about fashion. About politicians. About celebrities. About religion. About love. These people call themselves atheists, or realists, or humanists, or any of a thousand other words ending in ist, words that imply a belief in something, when quite frankly all they are trying to say is, "I don't believe".

I am an optimist. After every piece of bad news I hear, I respond "but look on the bright side". If I'm upset, instead of wallowing in that feeling, I find ways to cheer myself up - often as simple as putting on some music. But the cynical culture in this society is beginning annoy me. Pessimism, which is commonly seen as the antonym to optimism, is considerably easier to tolerate than cynicism, because at least pessimists have a belief - things will go wrong.

Cynics are the type of people who say, "that film wasn't even vaguely historically accurate", or "so-and-so is so popular these days, she's done all these great things, but I still don't see what all the fuss is about, I can't stand her." They are the people who say, "I don't really believe in love", or even just "I don't believe that I'll ever find someone", although that is moving towards the pessimism end of the spectrum.

Cynicism is "cool", it's a way to stand out from the crowd, by claiming that you don't agree with whatever fad or faith or fact that others do. And I'm sure that while some of these things may be real - I don't agree with any religion except my own, nor do I like some popular films, or celebs, etc - but eventually I realised that some of my friends were disagreeing with everything even vaguely mainstream put in front of them, from Christianity, to Cheryl Cole, to love. And if you don't believe in or disagree with so many things, is there anything you do believe in? This is what lies at the heart of a cynic.

I, myself, am forever extolling the benefits of an optimistic outlook. My life isn't any better than any of my friends, but I seem happier. If a bad thing happens, then I am quick to bounce back from it, and I would rather go out and forget about it with my friends, than play sad moody music and wallow in self pity. Also, when I'm in an argument, I have something other to say than "that's ridiculous, I don't agree with that". Cynics are very good at finding reasons to doubt things, because let's face it, nothing is fact. All a cynic's arguments are based on the fact that everything is fallible, but rather than considering the arguments for, a cynic will disregard those and instead concentrate completely in placing seeds of doubt in your own, well-reasoned, well-believed points.

Cynicism may not be the polar opposite of optimism, but in my opinion it's kind of the polar opposite of the whole optimism-pessimism scale. After all, how can you believe things will go either badly or well if you don't have belief.

I'm not sure how this cynicism craze can be dealt with or stopped. With critics being a huge part of today's culture - and while criticism isn't the same as cynicism, it's a step in that direction, and often it's critics who find the points that cynics argue are the reasons your belief is silly and naive - it's difficult to stop popularising the view that cynicism is emotionally stunting and unkind, especially since there is now a huge range of popular "cynical literature".

I'm not saying that the odd cynical view is bad, and I'm certainly not suggesting people should believe everything on blind faith. But I am most definitely condemning people disbelieving everything on blind cynicism.

Oscar Wilde said, "A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing." Consider how infuriating it is to be in a conversation with someone who constantly tells you how much everything they own, and you own, costs. Then you're somewhere close to understanding how irritating and demoralising cynicism is.



NEEDS WORK.

Well I want to compile all the quotes that I have gathered throughout my life... so here we go!

( Quotes by me )


( Quotes about me )

( Quotes by my friends )

( Other pretty quotes )

Part I
I can still recall how well
I fit in your embrace
Thought that our love would outlast time
But that wasn't the case
Your feelings seemed to flicker out
Much faster than they came
And though they say "old love lies deep"
Can't say I feel the same.

Part II
Cause it's not being loved by you,
It's loving you I miss
It's having someone to hold close
I'm not missing your kiss
For memories last far longer
Than feelings ever stay
And though I want you back right now
I'll forget you someday.

Rightio, I'm being forced to change a module. Here is the current shortlist:
MATHS
There aren't many Maths ones I can apparently, seeing as all the Geometric Topology and Acturial Mathematics ones are scheduled together :(
Level 1:
Discrete Mathematics - like Decision maths
Level 2:
Complex Analysis - to open more options up later
Topics in Mathematics - more info needed
Contours and Symmetries - possibly interesting
Contours and Hyperbolic Geometry - also possibly interesting

PHYSICS
Level 1:
Discovery Skills in Physics - open up options later, more likely to be able to do a Physics project
That's literally all I can do.

CLASSICS
Level 1:
Language, Translation, Interpretation - could be interesting
Level 2:
Traditions of Epic - could be interesting
Greece, Rome and Carthage - could be interesting
Latin Prose Literature of the Early Empire - could be very interesting

COMPSCI
Level 1:
Introduction to Programming - could be useful at some point
Formal Aspects of Computer Science - fun?

ARCHAEOLOGY
Level 1:
Scientific Methods in Archaeology - could be interesting
Introduction to Archaeology - could be interesting

BUSINESS
Level 1:
Introduction to Entrepreneurship
Enterprise and Business Development

...

Right, now what actually fits my timetable?

Discrete Mathematics - Lecture clash
Complex Analysis - fits...
Topics in Mathematics - not on timetable
Contours and Symmetries - not on timetable
Contours and Hyperbolic Geometry - not on timetable
Discovery Skills in Physics - fine, but no afternoon for labs
Language, Translation, Interpretation - fine
Traditions of Epic - iffy, could maybe if I fiddled with a few tutorials
Greece, Rome and Carthage - iffy, could maybe if I fiddled with a few tutorials
Latin Prose Literature of the Early Empire - if I change physics examples class
Introduction to Programming - have to check requirement
Formal Aspects of Computer Science - same
Scientific Methods in Archaeology - fine
Introduction to Archaeology - maybe fine
Introduction to Entrepreneurship - fine
Enterprise and Business Development - should be fine

Hallelujah

audivi fui chordam arcanam
qui Davidus cecinit et hic placuit Dominum
at minime invigilas musicae, nonne?
fit par huic, quarto, quinto,
lapso brevi, augmento ingenti
regi fallo componare hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

fides tua firma, sed eguisti indicio
spectavisti illam lavare in tecto
per lunam forma illa opprissit tu
ligavit illa tu sellae culinae
violavit solium tuum, abscidit comam tuam
exque labris elicuit hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

forte fui huc antehac
scio locum hunc, ambulavi solum hoc
habitaveram solum prior cognoscendum tu
vidui insigne tuum in arco marmoreus
amor non est itum victoriae
est hallelujah frigidum atque vulneratum

hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

vixit aetas cum evulgeris
quid fiat infra
sed nunc nunquam praebas hunc mei, nonne?
memine cum moveam in te
tenebrae sanctae moveam etium
spiritusque omnes qui spiremus erat hallelujah

hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

forte vivit divus sursum
omniaque unquam qui didici propter amorem
erat ut conicere illum quem superavit tu
non est vocem quam audiendus
non est aliquem quem inspiratur fide
est hallelujah frigidum atque vulneratum

hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah

Argh, I feel a sudden great craving to fill the world/internet with my randomness again, that Facebook statuses just can't contain.

Sooooo. News. News news news.

I really have no idea where I was last, so let's start at the beginning.
HIIIII! I'm BeckyBecky, hyperactive extraordinaire. Currently in my first year at St Cuthbert's Society of the University of Durham, studying Natural Sciences (3 Maths, 2 Physics, 1 Classics). Have found a house for next year with 6 amazing people (Fish, Lucy, Chris, Smedley, Hannah and Sophie). More on them later. Have recently split with boyfriend Ryan, of 7 months, and got pretty quickly into a relationship with Greenwood, Assassins Society Social Sec. Luffle him :).

How about a few quick character bios? :P

( Uni people )

( Home people )

There are CERTAINLY more than this, but I'll leave it at this for now. Another update tomorrow, perhaps. TIME FOR GAMESOC (and Greenwood ;P)

THE LONGEST ONE EVER.
And I won't promise to keep it upto date, but I'll hope.
This is a summer I'll want to remember for the rest of my life:

( tada! )

Don't you hate it when you realise the thing you hate most in other people, is a trait you yourself have?!
For pretty much all 7 years I've been at the high, I've turned my back on so many people for "judging" me.
But maybe I judged them unfairly.
Too little too late :(

EXAMINATIONS.
Green Wingers will get it.

Anyways... my exams are (hopefully) all sorted out now. So I've decided to unveil the hell to you...

Wed 21st May - Finish Sixth Form at lunchtime (END OF THE HIGH!!!)
Fri 23rd May - Maths D2 am (extra one I'm doing)
Wed 4th June - Latin Unprepared Translation pm (retake)
Fri 6th June - Latin Comprehension AND Maths M3 pm
Wed 11th June - Physics Modules 4 and 8 am
Thu 12th June - Latin Unprepared Translation am
Mon 16th June - Maths S3 pm (plus possible retake of Maths FP1 in pm)
Tue 17th June - Physics synoptic pm
Wed 18th June - Maths FP2 am and Latin Literature pm
Fri 20th June - Maths FP3 pm (extra one)

Buuut. I got out of General Studies, so my synoptic won't be soooo much of a bitch... and with D1, D2 and FP3, I could get an extra AS in Maths... WOOP!

Oooo, and I've got 2 or 3 AEA papers... in Maths, Physics, and maybe Latin... so that's HARD EXAM HELL. But still fun!
And I want to do STEP... but I think I won't. Just to show restraint.

Is it weird that I love exams so much I want to do morrrre???

So yeah. My random musings.
It's 1:05am. I have school tomorrow. In the loosest sense possible. Free, free, break, free, free. It's Friday, so early finishing, and I've got home study afternoon, so I can go home at 12:05.
Thus sleep is less important than random updates.
So. Life.

I feel like getting my book of all the quotes I took from my song books. I mean, that's what LJ's for, right? An outlet for angsty thoughts and creative writing. And my angst is gone.
Not sure which ones to include. I think I'll include the ones that mean the most, and tell you what it means.

( Song clips )

On that topic, my book is finally starting to work. ( Universes )

I'm going to sleep now. More tomorrow, possibly!

The last-resort-tally.

Warwick - 2
Durham - 2

Asked:
Mr Page
Katherine
Steve
Laura

I'm a whore with a heart. I'm a slut who just wants to be loved. I'm the queen of unrequited love, but I'm never a secret admirer. I love too hard and too deep and too long.

I want to learn how to fly. I want to learn how to fall without breaking. I want someone to catch me if I get it wrong.

I want to be happy. I want to be content. I want to know what love is, and never have to doubt it. Never have to deny how I feel. Never have to cover up, never have to lie, never have to turn away so you can't see me cry.

I need someone who'll hold me when I need him to. Someone to not let go unless I look in his eye and tell him I need some space. I need someone who'll kiss me better. I need someone who I can trust... completely... who won't ever let me down. I need someone who won't stop caring. I need someone who will wipe my tears and laugh with me and look me in the eye and tell me he loves me.

I need someone who won't change his mind.

I need someone who understands that I can't stay still. I need someone impulsive... who'll turn up at my house in the middle of the day, and whisk me away to somewhere I've never been before. I need someone who'll kiss me in the middle of me talking. I need someone who will keep moving with me. Someone who will buy me or make me random presents for no reason. Someone who doesn't insist too many times on paying for my food/tickets for something. Someone who offers to buy me things but knows that I'd rather buy it for myself.

I need someone whose chest I can sleep on. Someone who I can wake up to and kiss. Someone who would be willing to play stupid games. To have playfights in the middle of town. To talk to me in funny voices using my cuddly toys. Someone who will listen to me talking about my dreams. Someone who will ring me in the middle of the day just to say he loves me.

I need someone who will dance with me listening to iPod music. Who will sing to me whether he thinks he can sing or not. Who will hold my hand or put his arm round me every chance he gets. I need someone who would be perfectly content with me being the only person he sees for the rest of his life. I want someone who needs me as much as I need him.

I need someone who loves me.

I can put all these needs on hold for the next 9 months. 9 months without a relationship? That'll be a first for HOW long? 9 months. God.

In fact, it's already been almost 2 months since he dumped me... so that makes it 11 months. Almost a year without a relationship. That has never happened, I don't think. Not since Freekee (first "relationship") have I gone without taking a break from being single for that long.

God, this is going to be a long, lonely, loveless year.

How can someone like me... someone for whom LOVE is the reason for living... how can I be deciding to spend that long without it.

Because if I find someone... and then go to uni... god knows what will happen. I can't take that risk. I can't be that person I've sworn not to be.

I have to be strong now. No one can make this decision for me. I will stick to it, goddammit. I need to. I can't be a heart breaker. I CAN'T.

(Besides... fuck buddies, and seeing people, are ok, surely?)

So yeah. Much has happened in the world of Becky since she last posted on here...

( Newsflash numero uno - Uni )

( Newsflash number two - Steve )

( Newsflash number three - School )

( Newsflash number four - Love/Sex )

And now for the lighter hearted stuff!!!
( IT'S CHRISTMAS )

And of course, what would an lj post be without a calendar thing??? But I've no time right now, bell's about to go for Maths, and I need to get back on top of work! Ciao Ciao, I'll do it later, promise!!!

News Item.
Becky is depressed.

So she wants to have plans for every night until Steve comes back. And during the day on weekends. Preferably involving alcohol
Monday 5th November - Tonight. No plans. Drinking solo.
Tuesday 6th November - Um... maybe Youth Group?
Wednesday 7th November - Nothing. Really need plans for this night, Wednesdays are going to be worst
Thursday 8th November - Going to see Atonement with my area
Friday 9th November - Physics olympiad at school, party in evening
Saturday 10th November - Nothing during day, either party or going into town
Sunday 11th November - Nothing yet
Monday 12th November - Nothing yet
Tuesday 13th November - Nothing yet... maybe Youth group. 4 months :(:(
Wednesday 14th November - Neeeed plans!
Thursday 15th November - Isaac Newton Lectures trip. Nothing yet in evening
Friday 16th November - Bowling with area
Saturday 17th November - Maybe shopping in Peterborough during day, Tom's party in evening
Sunday 18th November - Nothing yet
Monday 19th November - Nothing yet
Tuesday 20th November - Youth Group?
Wednesday 21st November - Need plans
Thursday 22nd November - Nothing yet
Friday 23rd November - Nothing yet
Saturday 24th November - Steve back
Sunday 25th November - Steve back

God I'm thick.

Please, never ever let me do anything like this again. I swear I won't. I can't. I need him too much.

What am I supposed to do now, exactly? Wait for the end? I don't think so. Bring on the alcohol. I'm gonna drown my sorrows, forget about this until I can do something about it.

If we end, it's apparently in my hands. If he turns on me tonight, it will be in his hands. If he does what he threatened... no not threatened, just scared me with... then we will be over. If he doesn't, then I'll know I can trust him.

If someone holds themself up for you, for the both of you, at the time when they feel weakest, that's when you know that they're here to stay.

I need him. I do stupid things, half in vengence, when really I have no right. I love him. More than life itself. But sometimes I think I'm not ready for feelings like this. If I lose him, I'll never get him back. But if I stay with him... what if I hurt him again? I won't, but what if I do? I can't, but what if it turns out I can? I'm not doubting myself, I just never want to hurt him again, never want to see him hurt again, and if I don't know for certain I'll never hurt him again, I don't deserve him.

I love him so much, and I swear I'll never hurt him again. My heart is breaking because I texted him to say I could see him ending it tonight, and he hasn't replied yet. If I lose him I'll die. I never want to lose him.

God I need a friend right now. But nothing they can say will make me feel any better, and I don't even deserve to feel better if it would.

I need him to know I love him, every second I think of something else I could have said to make him know that I love him.

He just texted back. This night is my hell, I'll get through this and we'll be ok. We're going to be ok, I need to make it up to him, but we'll pull through it, for our forever.

I just want him to be able to look into my eyes and my heart like he can when we're together and know that I mean every word I say.

Becky, the girl who plays around. The girl who doesn't want a boyfriend. The girl who only ever falls in love with girls. The girl for whom guys are just things to pass the time.

This girl is in love.

Utterly and completely.

With the best guy in the world. The only guy in her world.

He's all she can think about. All she loves. All she wants. All she needs. He's everything to her.

Sunday night, 4am , on the phone. After about 4 hours talking, dragging out into the open all the bad things that have happened, that we've been feeling, everything that had gone wrong recently. Talking completely honestly and openly for 4 and a half hours. Sorting everything out. Making everything right.

Him - Is there something sort of, a step before being engaged?
Her - Like being promised?
Him - More than that. Becky, will you be engaged to be engaged to me?
Her - Of course I will. I love you.

I am the happiest girl in the world. He makes me so happy. I love him more than anything ever. I love him more than I ever thought possible.

One day we will get engaged. One day we will get married. One day we will have a family together. These things I always assumed would happen for me, but I never really thought about the how, the when, the who. Now I've found my true love. Now I'm thinking about our future together. I know I will always love him and always be with him.

This girl loves Steve more than Life Itself.

Less than 4 weeks til Steve!

( Because I love doing the diary things... )

Well, it's been a hell of a week. Steve went to uni a week ago, and it's just been a complete rollercoaster of what seemed to last a lifetime but was actually 7 little days.

It's so weird that things can be going perfectly but screw up at the last minute. But it's perhaps even weirder how things can seem to be going completely wrong, but in the end it all turns out fine. Better than fine.

I would shout out to the whole world how much I love him. It's only been 2 months (and a week and 2 and a half days...) but this already the single most powerful emotion I've ever felt. Maybe because it's not single, it's double, mutual, and I know how he feels about me because I feel the exact same way.

The thing is, words can never do it justice. A lot of words can come close, but nothing I ever say will ever be able to express exactly what he means to me. We have a thousand songs about us, but none of them really speak out what's in our hearts - some come close, but the point is this is beyond words. I'd have to speak for the rest of time to even manage to get enough so's in this sentence - "I love him so much". And I'd have to say forever constantly forever to express how long we'll be together.

Nothing else matters except me and him. Not any of the shit from earlier this week. Not any of the shit from earlier this summer. Nothing except me and him and our future together.

I want to plaster our faces together across my computer, my room, my eyes. I want to embellish his name on my planner, my arm, the inside of my head. I want to save the feeling of being with him on my hard drive so I can take it out and feel it, like I look at pictures of us. I want to never have to be away from him. I want the world and all time to stand still so we can save the time between each moment for each other. I want to hold on to him like I'll die if I have to be without him, because I will die if I have to be without him. But I know I'll never have to be without him. We are eternal and forever and now and always and meant to be together.

And most importantly, I want to always be this sure that he feels the same way about me.

I LOVE YOU STEVE

Well, I realise it's not morning any more, but I do need to rant this all out, and why not create a new thread while I'm at it.

So this thread is for every single morning after regret. Alcohol or no alcohol. Lets here them. I'll go first.

Ok, so yesterday was my best friend Keeb's birthday, and we had an afternoon of drinking in the park planned, and then a night out on the town.

So me, Keeb and Janina (my lesbian best friend) got to the park at half 12, started drinking. Nina doesn't drink, but yesterday she got started on some German 50% stuff, and there was no stopping her. She managed to almost come on to some random guy who walked past (managed to rescue her), but later some of Keeb's guy mates came and she managed to come far to close to fucking him behind a tree. I was supposed to be looking after her, but how the hell do you go up to a couple making out and stop them?? She felt shit when she sobered up, and almost went home.

So, after an afternoon of failed babysitting, me, Keeb, Janina, Katherine (another of my best mates) and Steve (my boyfriend) went to mine to get ready. I managed to drink two bottles of Smirnoff Ice, and I'm a bit of a lightweight so I was a bit tipsy on the way into town. Got a drink in Shooters but we got kicked out so went to Weatherspoons.

There I had two glasses of Woo Woo (amazing cocktail) and another Smirnoff Ice. There was me, Steve, Janina, Katherine and her boyfriend, and another guy Kat knows. Well, after saying loudly that I really wanted to kiss Kat (I used to like her, but not too much, and not any more), I managed to rope them all into playing Spin The Bottle. First time peck, then proper kiss, then kiss with tongues.

So I ended up kissing Kat's boyfriend, and Steve kissed Janina, and those were the only two that got all the way to tongues. I was completely oblivious to everything at that point.

But I realised soon after that Katherine and Steve were both seriously pissed off with me. I got really upset at that point, cuz Kat had just gone home and I was convinced she hated me. So what did I do? I convinced the other guy we were with to go get me a Smirnoff Ice.

Then we went back to Shooters to meet up with Keeb again. We danced a bit - me and Keeb did, Janina and Steve sat down for most of it. I went back and sat with them, and then I got the weirdest sudden prophetic vision...

I suddenly realised that Janina and Steve were soul mates and I was a bitch to stand in the way of that. I went really weird and spaced out apparently, and sounded really off with them both. I was ready to dump Steve and tell him to go out with Janina. I ran away and started crying.

But then I went for a dance, and we decided we should go home some time soon. Steve pulled me to one side, and said did I really think him coming back was a good idea, because I was being really off with him. In that moment I decided that Steve was worth fighting against fate for. I love him, screw whatever drunken prophecy was making me think that he belonged with someone else.

We got pizza and kebab and got a cab home. I stayed in the spare room with Steve and Keeb and Nina stayed in my room. I told Steve about how I'd been feeling. We had a long talk, and pretty much sorted it all out.

In the morning, however, Steve kept making jokes about including Janina in with us, and stuff like that. I told him that it hurt me, and he started feeling really shit and insensitive. Eugh not good. Again.

Now I'm left with two problems:
1. Scared that Janina likes Steve. If she does I know it won't affect me and Steve, but it may affect me and Janina, and she's one of my best friends!
2. Shit because I upset Steve, and he upset me, and it just seems to be going really shit at the moment.

Oh, and it's mine and Steve's monthiversary tomorrow, we were going for a secret picnic, but he just told me he's bedridden with flu. So tomorrow's pretty much cancelled.

I HATE ALCOHOL! I REALLY WANT A DRINK!

But, on the plus side, no hangover. I seem to be immune.